Every Memorial Day, Americans gather and pause to remember and honor our couragous warriors who gave their last full measure for our nation. While we reflect on the sacrifices of these brave fallen, there is a group of warriors whose lives have been cut short in a war that all too often goes unseen.
By the end of 2020, suicide spiked 25% among our troops across all branches of service – a number which is staggering and heartbreaking! These are brave men and women who wore the cloth of our nation and swore an oath to defend her. While the experts are continuing to string together the reasons for these catastrophic losses, the toll of damage inflicted on the friends and families left behind represents an indescribable cascade of collateral damage which has generational impact.
Today, as we take time to honor our brave men and women who sacrificed their lives serving our nation, l challenge everyone to ask a series of core and critical questions which will help reframe the conversation and expose suicide, save lives, and bring hope.
What discussions are leaders having on the topic of suicide?
In what ways are the leaders aware of critical seasons and situations which may aggravate or instigate suicidal thoughts or behavior within their communities?
What are the unique aspects and features of military duties that make service members more vulnerable to self-destructive behavior, suicidal ideations, and suicide?
What are the stigmas and taboos that may prevent a service member from seeking help?
You can find questions like these and much more in my book HOPE – A Memoir: My Journey of Love, Loss, and Faith.
“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer”
Almost from the very beginning, at our very first encounter in that ship’s passageway nine years ago, Matt and I stood off to the side and prayed together. Prayer quickly bonded us in brotherhood by the power of God’s Holy Spirit and moved us forward in blessings and through crises for an entire deployment along with key leaders and brothers in Christ aboard our warship.
By Tim Uncapher
Through the strength of prayer, our 10-month extended deployment culminated on several occasions, at home and aboard our ship, where God revealed Himself in ways and for reasons we could not have ever imagined, from the tragic accidental death of our friend’s daughter to the loss of Matt’s beloved uncle, from suicide.
Prayer is foundational to God’s relationship with us, His children. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus modeled our prayer throughout his ministry life, even up to his last breath on the cross; always in search of His Father’s relationship of fellowship in Spirit, His comfort, and divine will. In the same manner, we seek our Heavenly Father in His son’s name and in the power of His Holy Spirit. In times of need for Matt and me in nearly every crucial decision, discussion, and dark hour, we sought and would receive comfort from our Lord. I most often pray for Matt and his family whenever the Holy Spirit brings them to my thoughts. I often call or text to reach out in response to the Spirit’s prompting, and frequently the reason quickly becomes clear.
Since the event of that very first passageway prayer, a Holy Spirit-inspired response at the moment, to this very day, these moments together, driven by needs great and small, have yielded the greatest transcendent treasures. They have been moments leading to revelation, shared Biblical scripture, and the matchless blessings of experiencing God as He reached into our lives and directed our prayer and conversation without coincidence. Imagine when the Lord has done this in your own personal life, and now magnify that blessing for the shared experience of it as God spoke into each other’s lives and not only revealed His purposes but, His activity into the very moment toward the exact need or issue.
It’s difficult now to even recall with specificity the exact details of every occasion. These moments were most often beyond anything we could have come up with together or individually, on how God spoke into these moments. Beyond what we could have put in motion from our own needs and understanding, the Holy Spirit would simply direct both our prayers and bring the exact scripture to memory, from either personal devotional time, a recent sermon or Bible study, or even recent circumstances. God brought all these instances together and divinely synchronized, for the very moment in time and need, each one as a “God moment” or “God thing” because, in God’s economy, there is no such thing as time, chance, or random processes.
I have no problem recalling the circumstances and oddly, the very room or setting I am in, with great detail. Most often, these moments have been while on the phone, as Matt lives in Texas and I’ve been in Omaha or Monterey for the 9 years since our time serving together aboard our ship. So, rather than relate our personal and private conversations and experiences in these often-precious moments, I’ll say simply, they’ve occurred from the very night of Elizabeth’s passing – and our shipboard prayer group from nearly 3 years previous was immediately engaged to support Matt and his family – to early summer of 2020 when Matt was in a difficult place in writing his book of Hope. The raw replay in writing requiring him to relive these very vivid and horrific moments that absolutely NO FATHER wants to ever relive, over and over; however, Matt was choosing the greater cause and divine purposes needed time in prayer with his friend and brother in Christ.
When I called without much response from him, because he’d been on my mind, my own spirit stirred to concern about him. I give glory to God because of the Holy Spirit stirring my own heart and was finally able to make a connection because, in Matt’s own admission, his spirit was readied by God to hear and respond. I think this was the occasion in which God prepared Matt for so much progress in his book and establishing a non-profit foundation in honor of his daughter Elizabeth. Indeed, God has propelled Matt from that time to now, when he’s only a month away from book and foundation launch – just a year since removed from that call, and an amazing intervening of God’s divine arrangements in the interim where none were present nor assured, to God be the Glory, and we give great credit to PRAYER!
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15”
About my guest
Tim is naval officer with over 35-years of combined service, specializing in the fields of Meteorology and Oceanography, with a career spanning the senior enlisted to the senior Naval Officer ranks.
He and I served together from 2011 to 2013 and have developed a strong bond, not only as fellow warriors but as Christian Brothers. He’s married to the former, Ms. Karrie Lynn Freeman, and has five children: his eldest son Mike and daughter-in-law Kara, his daughter Luci and son-in-law Noah Cabello, and twin sons, Steve and Dan. He and Karrie have two grandsons, Davian, and Kieran.
Tim has been a close mentor, trusted advisor, and special friend to my family and me and has also been key and instrumental in helping my family and I grow, heal, and steward our challenging life experience. He has devoted countless hours as a plank owner of my blog/social media presence and is a core confidant in the labor and development of my book “HOPE – a memoir: my journey of love, loss, and faith.”
He’s been a constant companion these past several years and has lovingly administered emergency spiritual and emotional triage to my family and me during our darkest hours following the tragic loss of my oldest child Elizabeth. His ‘ground zero’ experience as a spiritual and emotional first responder and battle buddy provides a unique perspective into what it looks like to support and care for a friend or family member who has suffered through a tragic loss.
I have invited him to share these experiences in order to help others. His practical advice and insight will equip you with a model of ‘what right looks like’ if someone in your world – neighbor, friend, or family – ever suffers a massive loss.
BROTHERHOOD: A Primer to the Art of Empathy
By Tim Uncapher
Matt wanted me to share a series of blog posts discussing, “what right looks like.” As you know by now, he and his family have been through the worst horror any father, mother, and little sister could ever know, the violent suicidal death of their precious daughter and a big sister who was taken by the greatest lie ever devised by the author of all lies; “you have no hope.”
In the past year of this fog-of-war, called, “COVID-19” this same false narrative has successfully taken hold in the lives of thousands. A lie that obscures the spiritual battlefield perceived within the human cognitive domain; “you have no hope” resulting in such cascading devastation as to cause a crisis of despair and death beyond the disease itself, and a crisis of faith within the hearts of God’s children. Suicides worldwide are alarming on the rise, and God will CALL His people individually and even congregationally to mission and ministry in response. And those whom He CALLS, He Equips, just as he equipped me to minister directly into the lives of Matt and his precious family. A calling I would never expect nor planned for, and in my own understanding, personal knowledge and strength would I ever believed in my own ability to walk this kind of journey with Matt.
Yet, I have seen CLEARLY the Lord’s hand along the way, divinely equipping and preparing me -despite all my flaws, insecurities, and spiritual doubts- from Matt and I’s very first brief encounter. In a dimly lit passageway of the U.S. Warship, we both served aboard, he a Chief Petty Officer, and I a prior member of the Chief’s Mess (no coincidences in God’s Kingdom) and an Officer with no connections beyond that, the Lord reached in divine preparation. As Matt and I frequently look back in amazement recalling the events transpiring from then to this very day, we are most often awestruck and evermore convinced in His overflowing GOODNESS and LOVE for us.
So, the Lord calls to be sure, and the Lord equips, indeed! But if there’s one message I personally want to impart to you, the reader, is that in His calling me to Matt’s side, where horror, despair, anger, fear, and sadness have abounded, indeed God’s grace, mercy, love and blessings have abounded even greater! And strengthening my faith for times such as these.
In this first of six blogs, I simply want to reinforce God’s message of Hope in that He is on His thrown, and He is active in our everyday lives as we actively seek Him in our prayer, the Word, and involvement with His people and the broken world around us. As I thought back to those few things, I did to come alongside Matt through he and his family’s time of need to this very day, I came to realize that mostly through God’s leading, He called me in amazingly simple, yet significant aspects supporting Matt and his family, and while not prescriptive, I wanted to at least give the reader a descriptive explanation of the actions I’ve take in walking with Matt.
Being a Sailor and 34-year veteran of the military, I default to the dreaded “acronym” when presenting operational concepts or introducing core principles of leadership. And do so again here in the hope the reader will find a great measure of comfort and confidence that the Lord does truly provide and equip.
“Lift up your hands to the holy PLACE and bless the Lord (Psalms 134:2) … (for) this is my resting PLACE forever; here I will dwell, for I have desired it. (Psalms 132:14)”
Pray, Listen, Affirm, Comfort, and Empathize… “P.L.A.C.E.” As in the Lord’s “Dwelling Place.”
As a Christian, we are called to be obedient in serving others, not motivated from some personal righteousness and perceived benefit, but as an expression of our love for God and His Church. Jesus affirmed that the greatest of God’s Commandments was, “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” Not because God needs our worship and blessing, but that in where our thoughts focus, where we put our value and treasure (efforts, money, and devotion), there is where our hearts will follow, and from where all blessings truly flow. This Commandment is His first calling, and what prompts a response from us in our obedience to our Lord.
And why? Indeed, to fulfill the second greatest commandment, that is to “love your neighbor as yourself” as an expression of selfless love; not a mere “feeling of love,” but rather a purposeful action of love, regardless of personal comfort level, or even our desire to be involved in loving others. And who are others? Who are our neighbors? How about, “a shipmate.” And brothers, sisters, and both close and extended family and relatives. Those in our immediate and extended faith family; those in our personal sphere of influence, and even those to whom God brings into our lives no matter how briefly. The commandment is simple and typified in the well-known story of the “Good Samaritan,” about whom Jesus himself plainly illustrated His Kingdom’s definition of “neighbor.” “Love your neighbor as yourself” is a love that is not without sacrifice. So, what did that love look like for Matt and me?
Pray – from the beginning, even before tragedy struck, he and his family yet again, in the worst imaginal ways; I asked Matt if I could pray with him in that same darkened passageway aboard the Warship we’d served aboard. From that moment on, God set in motion events and activities neither Matt nor I could ever have imagined; and from that day until now, I try to pray every time my thoughts continue to wonder how Matt and his family are doing… “Okay, Lord, I’ll pray and call…” I have come to understand there’s more often than not, a reason He has put Matt on my mind, and I respond. And whether we were on the phone or in person, we pray together in praising God regardless of the circumstances, taking time to share the Word and God actively in our lives, and allowing the Holy Spirit to bless and guide us.
Listen – self-explanatory, right? Well, for guys like me, a guy who can’t shut up at times, more difficult than you’d expect. Understanding first, in the worst of the storms, Matt (and Erica) needs to talk through what is going on in that moment, and their needs are paramount! Through prayer even prior to talking and silently during our most serious conversations, I endeavored to focus in on what Matt was telling me, not necessarily looking for any input from me at all, but to simply be there as his brother in Christ and friend. There are times where I fail in this, but having established a solid bond of trust, Matt is quick to forgive when I speak out of turn, when I should simply just listen. This kind of bond will require an answer very often, but if listening and letting the Holy spirit prompt, I am more likely to give a Biblical response of godly counsel, than simply Tim’s opinion. And I always pray for the Lord’s wisdom, and never my own – but what God has given me in His Word and the Spirit’s conviction. Listening actively and putting myself in Matt’s shoes in doing so also allows me to respond without judgment and preconceived notions, as sometimes circumstances unlived but shared are going to be beyond my total understanding. Finally, when at all possible, turn to the Lord and let His Word guide your advice and actions.
Affirm – in the raging sea and unceasing deluge in the aftermath of suicide: guilt, anger, despair, and overwhelming confusion so often press down on survivors, and Matt in those months following the loss of Elizabeth was pressed into those depths to the point for drowning. Lies from the enemy tore at his consciousness and very often, in prayer we not only beseeched the Lord for relief, and I as often as I could affirmed in Matt God’s truth, God’s love and God’s value for Matt and his family. Affirming words spoken in love demonstrate God’s value in the heart of man, and deliver Hope when survival is at stake; affirming words have been crucial to sustain, uphold, and encourage Matt, Erica and my Godchildren as they’ve navigated the most foreboding of seas; and affirming words are best said by the Holy Spirit’s prompting.
Comfort – whether in person or over the phone or on video calls, being available whether night or day, times of convenience or in the most inconvenient circumstances (as spiritual battles often happen), I’m there for Matt and his family, no questions asked, nor apologies needed. I’ve found that Matt simply knowing this, knowing I’m a lifeline to he and his family provide great comfort and calming to Matt’s spirit. And truthfully, regardless of how familiar we are with someone, simply the offer of availability and a lifeline to those in crisis is a crucial action (why we have crisis hotlines) and doesn’t require any familiarity with those to whom we are comforting. Comfort often involves consolation, reassurance, and uplifting encouragement or all the other actions described in PLACE. While at other times, as with Matt and I, comfort looks like a fondness in movies, music, and a Sailor’s shared yarn, lifestyle and sense of humor, often culminating in salty, yet good-hearted ribbing between us, and the particularities of a Sailor’s life and military service in general – aka., a “Band of Brothers” shared experiences.
Empathize – which can be the scariest of all actions because it involves putting yourself in the shoes and circumstances of the survivor. Simply enough stated -to have compassion and seek to understand the other person’s experience and perspective- but far more difficult in practice. And when it comes to suicide, Matt’s experience, by far required prayer and the Holy Spirit’s comforting guidance. Empathizing with someone in Matt’s world, is going to be at times crushing, heartbreaking, and troubling in the extreme, but the Lord provides, and while all these things and more still, the emotions and experience will NEVER be so intolerable as for the survivor walking on a deck that is being pitched violently on the stormed tossed seas of suicide. Through prayer and God’s equipping for this calling I have been able to be God’s closest confidant to Matt and his family; and as Matt has shown in his stewardship of these tragic events, never more have I been given a GREATER BLESSING, to be a part of a life and family so valuable to the Lord.
At the time of my writing this closing epilogue, it’s almost been six years since the life of my oldest daughter Elizabeth was stolen by suicide. Looking back now, I know it’s the grace, love, and power of God that has not only sustained us but propelled us into continued healing and blessings. So many divine connections have been made, and doors opened. God’s favor is continually shown in ways that have transcended human logic and wisdom, and time, chance, and random processes. I can tell story after story of Eternity intersecting with time and stepping in to heal and lead us. Trust me, it’s not been an easy road to walk; I can tell you that. I think about Elizabeth every day, and look forward to when I’ll see her again, along with my dad, little brother, and others who have passed on. But not until I’ve lived a long life and accomplished everything God has purposed in me.
When I first embarked on this journey of growth and healing, I had a blunt and honest conversation with God. “God, you said in the Bible that you work everything together for good – well, let’s see you use all this.” For me, it had come down to only two options – option one: hold onto the grief, trying to compartmentalize it all, which would have led me down a dark road of anger, depression, and eventually destruction. Then there was option two: close my eyes, take a deep breath, lift my leg over the side of the boat, and step on the water. I took an eternal risk and placed my life-bet on God. I said to Him, “alright God, I’M ALL IN!. You’re my only option – let’s see what you’ve got”. I followed through with my wager in God’s Promises by leveraging resources He’d already put in front of me.
In addition to praying to my Father in Heaven and reading His Word, I leaned on the pillars of holistic counseling and strong mentorship. I immersed myself in the rehabilitation of my heart, which in turn helped sharpen and refine the vision in my mind. I discovered a lot in the process, not the least of which is what I’ve come to call a “Divine Golden Thread” that has been woven into the fabric of my life before I was even born. Once I knew where to look, I could see those golden stitches on every corner and square of my life’s tapestry – encounters, relationships, and circumstances that had been so perfectly timed, they seemed to laugh at the words’ coincidence’ and ‘luck.’ The more I looked, the more could see God’s master craftsmanship. That’s not to say everything I’ve experienced was good, though. Throughout this book, I’ve shared a steady drumbeat of disaster that defies comprehension for most people. Yet, despite it all, I have what has proved to be an unmovable anchor to my soul in an Eternal Hope who has held me steady and provided me safe harbor in the worst of storms and heaviest of seas.
Unmovable Hope is the only thing that can withstand such unimaginable tragedy. Anything less simply will not do. Violent storms and massive waves will forcibly push against everything in their path. The only thing that’ll keep us secure is an anchor stronger than the tempest. In the middle of the maelstrom, I clung to Hope until my knuckles turned white; surviving, healing, and then growing through these storms would have been impossible without an unmovable anchor and the safe harbor of a loving God. I embraced this perspective through the open-minded faith of a child. I had to press the ‘I believe’ button, regardless of what my natural eyes saw or what my mortal heart felt. Daily, I intentionally chose to say out loud, “ok God, I believe you. We both know this stuff sucks, but I’m trusting you to keep your promises – no matter what, you’re still GOD and you’re still GOOD.”
My perspective on everything changed. I saw what I’d walked through, not as a burden to carry, but as an opportunity to steward. I was reminded of a parable told by Jesus who was explaining the God’s Kingdom economy. Jesus told about three employees who, based on their abilities, were each entrusted with a certain amount of money by their wealthy boss. Many of us have heard this story preached in church, but it took on a whole new perspective for me. When the boss returned; he asked his employees for an account of the money. The first and second employees explained that they’d strategically invested what they’d been entrusted with, successfully doubling the original value. The boss was pleased and rewarded them for their excellent work.
Meanwhile, the third employee handed back the same amount of money he was entrusted with, without ever investing it. Instead, he’d grudgingly buried it in the ground, waiting to simply hand it back when the boss returned. Let’s just say it didn’t turn out well for the third guy. In fact, it took more effort for the third employee to dig the hole and bury the money than at least take to take it to the bank so it could gain some type of interest while it sat there.
Some would say that trials and tribulations I’ve walked through aren’t a valuable currency worth investing. If anything, they might even say God actually shortchanged me, especially compared to how other people have been blessed. I mean, what good could possibly come from all the terrible things that happened? That’s when I had an ah-ha moment, and the lightbulb came on. All of a sudden, this story of stewardship, which I’ve heard so many times before, took on an added layer of meaning. Our life experiences – pleasant and unpleasant, joyful and painful – are all forms of currency that we’re stewarded with. The commonly held myth is that only the good ones are worth investing in. Still, reality shows good things are all too often squandered by those who don’t appreciate what they’ve been entrusted with. Likewise, many people would say that tragedy, trials, and trauma are just best buried in a hole. I realized that how we employ our ability to steward is what makes the difference – the leveraging of ability comes down to our choice. Will we invest or will we bury?
For me, the choice was clear. Just like the third employee in the story Jesus told, burying what I was entrusted with would have actually been more work, but with no return. Burying what I’d been through in a hole symbolized staying wounded, wallowing in misery, turning bitter, and getting sucked into a victim mindset. That’s a lot of work – and there is no positive return on that investment. And so, I chose to use those abilities and gifts that God has given me and approached Him with His Kingdom’s economy attitude of stewardship. God said He uses “”“all things”, well here’s a bunch of “all things” that I chose to strategically invest in faith, trusting God that it’ll bring massive compound interest of profound benefit to others; so that people who are searching for answers and feel like they’ve run out of options can look and see that there is an unmovable HOPE.
* * *
When my mission on the high seas of life is over, and I sail into Homeport, come along pier side, and set the mooring lines for the last time, I’ll say “Request permission to go ashore”. I want to hear my Lord and Captain say to me, “Permission granted – well done good and faithful servant…”
A special ‘Thank You’ to my guest blogger and friend Dr. Mark Jones for allowing me to share this much needed and crucial insight during this critical time. For more information about Dr. Jones and his vital work, visit the links provided at the bottom of this article – Matthew Mattera
The Cascade Effects
Since the implementation of the numerous COVID-19 stay-at-home orders and quarantine measures, couples and families are having increased stress and more conflicts. Before COVID-19, families could avoid each other by going to work and staying busy. Now due to this global pandemic, we’ve been forced into near-constant interaction and confined in very close proximity to one another over an extended period. During this season of close quarters quarantine, many people have seen suppressed hurts and resentments being activated subconsciously and then openly exposed in the form of anger, hostility, and aggression.
With this exposure of hidden wounds and hurt, basic human behavioral reactions begin to take over, often resulting in family members, who, due to pandemic induced quarantine and confinement, often transfer their previously concealed state of woundedness – an amalgamation of what is called Past-tense Woundings – onto each other. The irony is that these people don’t necessarily have to be cognitively aware that they have suppressed anger for it to be nested inside their subconscious mind. Alongside the deep-seated and long-concealed anger are the accompaniment of other toxic feelings that have also been buried for a long time; resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, frustrations, hate, fears, and other negative emotions.
Past Trauma – Present Struggle
When triggered, these emotions will almost always manifest in some form of aggressive behavior – both active and passive. This is why now, more than ever before, during this season of confinement and quarantine, family violence, domestic disputes, and child abuse are dramatically on the rise. When a person is pressurized with these ongoing and recurring stressful scenarios, their Past-tense Woundings and history of traumas, which through the years been encoded in their memories, become activated. These will then co-mingle with their present tense negative emotions, resulting in both the magnification and amplification of whatever they’re feeling and experiencing in the present.
When the past and present tense emotions co-mingle and are felt in the present, they will exceed a level five intensity on a 1 to 10 scale. At that point, the brain’s reasoning center, known as the cortex, begins to shut down and the amygdala takes over. The amygdala records and stores, in exact detail, the intimate fingerprints of every chemical and sensory nuance caused by both our past and present tense emotions – including the raw and irrational ones. When the brain’s logical/reasoning part starts shutting down due to heightened stress induced by quarantine and confinement, it sets the stage for these irrational emotions to take over, resulting in a showcase of extreme aggression and hostility.
In the turmoil and stress caused by the global pandemic, some people will shut down and detach while others will lash out and attack. Adding yet another layer to this already complicated problem set are those individuals who have struggled with a history of very low self-worth and dark feelings of worthlessness. Many times they begin to wonder if anyone would care if they were no longer alive. Additionally, those people pre-suffering from pre-existing chemical imbalances will often get worse. When the imbalance increases, the loop of negative internal messages will become louder, resulting in the mind becoming overwhelmed and confused.
In conjunction with present tense negative thoughts and emotions, the behaviors created from these wounds and traumas are collectively called Wound Behaviors. This is why, based upon many years of private practice, I wrote the book titled: “Walking Wounded.” Throughout my profession, I’ve even seen some people start having both delusions and severe mood swings. If a person is self-medicating to numb the pain, it will frequently lead to psychotic episodes, often to the point of having self-destructive thoughts and suicidal ideations.
What I have just explained is from a psychological and emotional, and behavioral perspective. However, from a spiritual or supernatural perspective, the kingdom of darkness also increases its pressure on these areas of brokenness – especially those who continue to stay in climate of wounds over a long time. The chronic state of being wounded eventually creates a sense of relentlessness, invokes persistent feelings of oppression and torment, and produces overwhelming feelings of impending doom or imminent danger. Suppose a person suffering from the issues I previously described lacks knowledge about this type of supernatural pressure. In that case, a ‘looming fear’ of the unknown will increase, often leading to a vicious cycle of fear-based “what if scenario” and “worst-case scenario” thinking. The presence of these looming fears will have a corrosive effect on their mind and slowly break the person down, eventually leading to anxiety and panic attacks.
This will frequently cascade into the onset of depression or lead to pre-existing depression worsening. When this happens, a dangerous combination of depression and panic attacks will profoundly deplete the person’s physical, mental, and spiritual strength. Instead of thriving, the person withdraws into a survival mode to ‘cope’ and somehow get through each day. Sadly, too many people become trapped in this self-destructive cycle, leading to exhaustion and desperately searching for a way to stop the pain and pressure. I’ve just described the downward spiral that many people have experienced during this unprecedented and challenging year – far more than ever before.
Instead of becoming hopeless, I encourage you to intentionally go through a healing process where your life can improve, as opposed to worsening. An essential step in that restorative journey will involve identifying what hidden wounds are inside of you and begin to intentionally triage and treat them so that you can eventually heal. If you would like help resolving your wounds and traumas and would like to know more on how to begin the restoration of your mental health, please reach out so that you can experience more peace during these stressful times.
About my guest
Dr. Jones has been counseling individuals, married couples, families, and groups in his private practice since 1992 and is also a certified and Approved Continuing Education Provider, offering CEU’s to other professionals so they can fulfill their requirements to maintain their license. He provides personal development and an array of professional services in the private, corporate, and government contracting sectors.
Dr. Mark Jones is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in San Antonio, TX. His practice, South Texas Liberty Alliance Group was founded in1992 along with Mark Jones Ministries.
Dr. Mark Jones was moved to begin Mark Jones Ministries after overcoming a challenging childhood. At four years old, his father left him, his mother and older brother at a bus stop in Houston, TX. HIs mother had no experience, except to play a a church organ. A pastor had compassion on the family of three and gave his mother a part-time job at the church, play8ing the organ. He also transformed the church shed into a one bedroom apartment where Dr. Mark Jones and his mother and brother lived for years, surviving on oatmeal (a nickel at the time) and faith in God.
At the time, Dr. Jones and his brother Dub Jones (who is now a counselor in Dr. Jones’ practice) would ride the bus from Houston to San Antonio, by themselves, to visit their father. As they arrived in San Antonio, Dr. Jones would search for the familiar face of his father surrounded by a crowd of strangers. Panic attacks were a normal occurrence in his life as doubt and fear would engulf him.
In Houston, Dr. Jones’ mother would put him and his brother on stage to sing to the congregation. Even though Dr. Jones suffered from panic and fear, and bein g on stage made him face these horrific feelings, singing gave them both purpose. They were for forced to conquer these feeling ad build value and self esteem. The family of three eventually moved to San Antonio to be close to their father and his new family. It was there, in middle school, that the boys had to encounter the challenges of being bullied.
His breakthrough book Walking Wounded explains how emotional and other wounds manifest themselves in people’s behavior, which are called “wound behaviors”. In order for a person to be healed and whole, the wound must be identified,dealt with and resolved intentionally.
In Walking Wounded, Dr. Jones teaches step by step how to resolve your past, restore your health, and retrain your mind so that you can maximize your potential.
Dr. Jones has been married to his lovely wife, Theresa since 1981 and they have 4 adult children and grandchildren. Dr. Jones’ second passion is singing; you may have heard him singing at Cornerstone Church, GETV world-wide broadcast, singing the National Anthem at various community events including the San Antonio Livestock Show and Rodeo or the Texas Governor’s Prayer Breakfast.
For more information about this critical topic or set up an appointment to speak to one of the professional mental and behavioral health caregivers at the South Texas Liberty Alliance Group, go to https://libertyalliancegroup.com
Suicide is a scourge that has slowly crept across the landscape of human demographics – age, gender, economic status – resulting in it becoming a leading cause of death. Its blast radius is far-reaching with long-lasting damage to those who have been wounded by it.
The numbers are staggering. It’s the second leading cause of death across an entire generation, claiming the lives of victims from as young as 10 years old all the way to those well into their mid-thirties. The second leading group of suicide victims is middle-aged white males, who are almost 3.5 times more at risk of ending their own lived. Suicide is among the top ten causes of death across all age groups, stealing nearly 50,000 people from us in 2018 alone. The suicide rate in the United States increased by almost 33 percent from 1999 through 2017, from 10.5 to 14 suicides per 100,000 people, with numerous statistics show that the numbers rose sharply sometime between 2006 and 2007. 
While the list of risk factors is long and the task of pinning down a cause has challenged the best and brightest of our mental, behavioral, and spiritual health communities, the purpose of effort remains the same – saving lives from self-destruction. The numbers don’t lie; while the statistics for 2019 are still being compiled, and the scope and compound effect of the global COVID-19 pandemic of 2020 has yet to be fathomed, the bottom line is that the projected numbers don’t look good.
Outside the immediate casualty of those stolen by this nebulous scourge is the circle of family, friends, and community left behind. Death is a hard thing for us to reconcile with; it is an unwelcome invader on both the human experience and the world around us. Death brings with it a sense of morbid finality and becomes a hard break in the physical fellowship we enjoy with a loved one who has slipped across the vapor-thin veil, which separates time from eternity.
The grief and loss following the death of a loved one becomes covered in a mountain of nuanced layers when the passing of that special someone is from suicide. Suicide complicates grief on an order of magnitude that can only be truly understood by those who have had pieces of their heart stolen by this unremorseful enemy. Suicide is sudden, often violent, and many times it’s a friend or loved one who not only discovers the horrific aftermath but is left with so many unanswered questions.
As we push forward in our collective quest to not only prevent this self-destruction, we are forced to reconcile with the fact that there is much about this suicide problem set that requires honest reflection and the embracing of answers which lie within our grasp – if we are willing to put aside our preconceived notions, bias, and perhaps even some closely held myths.
The long list of factors leading to the pattern of self-destruction in our modern culture is right in front of us. They reside on the key terrains of academia, media, and entertainment – core pillars that form the foundation of what we believe and how we behave. An intellectually and spiritually honest review of these pillars will show that much of what we’ve stitched into the fabric of our culture has primed the environment in such a way that it has lent speed, agility, and momentum to a complex and nefarious adversary focused on a desired end state of kill, steal, and destroy.
Suicide is a problem in our society – but not an unanswerable one. The list of cascade factors that have fed this plague must be tackled comprehensively, strategically, and most of all, humbly. I say humbly because if the lines of effort across mental health, physical health, and spiritual health are approached through an open-minded willingness to learn, synergistic, and coalesce, then the path to prevention becomes clear.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in our nation. That alone is a shocking fact, but when we unpack what that really means, we discover a staggering and overwhelming call to strategic, holistic, aggressive, intellectually honest, and sustained comprehensive action.
30% The increase in the rate of death by suicide in the United States between 2000 and 2016, from 10.4 to 13.5 per 100,000 people, according to a National Center for Health Statistics analysis of data from the National Vital Statistics System. The rate increased by about 1 percent per year from 2000 through 2006 and about 2 percent per year from 2006 through 2016.
50% The increase in suicides among girls and women between 2000 and 2016, from 4 to 6 per 100,000.
21% The increase in suicides among boys and men between 2000 and 2016, from 17.7 to 21.4 per 100,000.
According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), in 2018, suicide was the 2nd leading cause of death for an entire generation across about years. During 2018 alone, nearly 15,000 children, youth, and adults 10-34 years old were people lost to suicide. When we break that number down even further, the facts are heartbreaking. 596 of these losses were children 14 and younger. This number is followed by the losses of young people ages 15-24, which is a staggering 6,211. As we progress to the next age group, the numbers don’t get any better; there were 8,020 losses from suicide for adults ages 25-34. Pushing back even further, we see that the numbers and story are worse. When we stack up the total number of suicides in the United States across all age groups over the last 20 years, we come with a number near 900,000!
These numbers are absolutely shocking and represent the genocide of our legacy and future. We have witnessed the loss of an entire generation stolen from by an invisible adversary that stealthily operates on an unseen plane – the human mind; an intangible realm many leaders across the landscapes of science, education, entertainment, mental health, medicine, philosophy, and faith have difficulty navigating or understanding.
When we take a whole society approach, zoom the lens out to the 10,000-foot level and look at the suicide problem set across the culture, many of the answers are uncomfortable. If we observe the information and cultural environment with humble honesty, we’re forced to reconcile with inconvenient truths that don’t conform to the pattern of life and world-view we as a society have woven around us. How we answer these questions will determine if we’re genuinely ready and serious about fixing the problem.
Is suicide a problem in America? Absolutely – but now here come the hard questions: Are we, as a culture, ready to invest in developing sustainable long-term solutions? Are we willing to have a genuine national dialog, or will we pursue feel-good platitudes and soft-serve sentiments as an effort to cover up our lack of intellectual honesty, critical self-reflection, and genuine curiosity for real answers?
I believe suicide is a scourge that has increasingly haunted our culture. But I also believe there are answers and a solution. It’s time to expose this killer. It’s time to bring HOPE!
Empathy. It’s the unique ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Someone empathetic can step into the shoes of another person and understand their feelings and perspectives. They share in the experience as if it were happening to them. A strong sense of empathy is a critical part of the healthy development of our relationships. It’s also a mark of emotional maturity. In my upcoming book, HOPE – a memoir: my journey of love, loss and faith, I talk about what it was like for my family and me in the week, months, and even years following the passing of our oldest daughter Elizabeth from suicide. The shock and pain of losing a child are hard for anyone to process and carry. It’s a pain that no parent should ever have to carry. Suicide turns that heartbreaking loss into a massive and complex pain that seems nearly unquenchable.
“For a parent, the loss of a child is a grim and morbid reminder of death’s intrusion on the human experience.”
Excerpt from my upcoming book HOPE – a memoir: my journey of love, loss and faith
One of the things I talk about in my book is the importance of empathy. I write about the need for others to look unselfishly outside their own immediate world and be willing to lend a helping hand or ear. When someone is walking through hell, they must know they’re not alone; in fact, it’s often lifesaving. Just knowing that I had people I could depend on and call any time – day or night – was critical in seeing my family and me through those dark hours. People who are walking through crisis are not looking for a clever ‘one-liner pick me up,’ a motivational pep talk, or an in-depth philosophical explanation about their problem. They just need someone willing to be available, present, and listen. This is what I call Dynamic Empathy. This type of empathy is a rapid response, quick to listen, and sensitive enough to help meet unspoken needs – things that are normally mundane and routine, but in a moment of crisis are impossible to manage. Stuff like cooking, cleaning, daycare, grocery shopping, car maintenance, yard work, etc.
“On the other hand, the death of a child resonates with anyone who has a heart. A child dying is completely counter to the accepted order of things. It is a parent’s worst nightmare.”
Excerpt from my upcoming book HOPE – a memoir: my journey of love, loss and faith
Then there is the long-term aspect of empathy; what I call Sustained Empathy. Over time, as the dust settles and the smoke clears, often the person or family who has suffered a loss is forgotten about. The weeks turn into months, and the months become years; meanwhile, the condolences, warm wishes, and prayers become less and less. This is where Sustained Empathy is critical. While everyone else moves on with their lives, those who suffered a major loss, like the one my family and I did, are slowly learning to walk again. But this time, it’s with a limp. Every holiday and birthday, that limp is a little bit more painful. Special moments like anniversaries and graduations bring with them a hidden sting that only the wounded survivors know. And for a parent, every Mother’s Day and Father’s Day becomes a reminder of a baby that was lost. These are the moments when Sustained Empathy is critical.
Sustained empathy remembers to send a card, text or a even make a phone call that says, “Hey, I’m thinking of you, and you and your family are never forgotten.”
Don’t forget to check out my FREE unedited SNEAK PREVIEW of my upcoming book here:
My dad’s days and even weeks-long disappearances always came without warning. His absentee escapades usually started out with him going out to ‘run some errands’ or perhaps going to ‘meet up with a buddy.’ As the hours passed, I could feel my mom watching the clock tick. As the sun began to set, and the first stars of dusk appeared in the sky, anxiety, and fear would creep into the trailer through every seam and gap like an invisible vapor. My mom would begin to call people from the church, her voice was frantic with worry. “I don’t know where Michael is…he said he’d be right back…I need you to pray with me; let’s plead for a hedge of protection around him.” This was a repeating soundbite, which was an all too familiar part of our lives. Often, people from the church would come and keep us company or take us over their houses. Other times, my mom would get a ride to her parents’ house, which was only a few miles down Highway 235.
Inevitably – usually a few days later – my dad would either end up calling or would just show back up. My mom never stood up to him, and no one ever put him in his place for being so rude, selfish, irresponsible, and hurtful. Honestly, as I look back, I don’t think my dad would have listened if my mom said something to him, but I wonder what would have happened if another man confronted him. I believe that my dad’s behavior was instrumental in causing my mom and me to have abandonment issues. Every time my dad would leave unannounced, she would become extremely protective of me as if something or someone would take me away from her too. In addition to my dad’s dysfunctional pattern of abandonment, were the times when he was arrested. One time, in particular, I remember him being gone for several days, only for us to find out that he had been in jail. I don’t know the details of what led to his arrests, only that it involved drugs of some kind – probably marijuana.
Shortly after he was released from jail, one of my dad’s older brothers flew down from Rhode Island to Maryland to get my dad and bring him back to Rhode Island. My uncle Don was someone my dad respected and was probably one of the few people who could handle him. Uncle Don had a personality and demeanor similar to a ‘wise guy’ character from a mafia movie; no-nonsense, street smart, and tough. On top of all that, he was a criminal lawyer, so he had expertise in dealing with difficult, stubborn, and troubled people like my dad. Many years later, uncle Don would hold a very special place in my heart.
My dad was gifted intellectually and physically. He could have easily been a leading mind for a company, a successful doctor, philosopher, historian, or professor if he had ever harnessed his full potential. Despite all his gifts and talents, my dad wasn’t happy. He lived with a brooding atmosphere of melancholy that surrounded him. In addition to his temperament and emotional issues, he wrestled with alcoholism and drug addiction. I have vivid memories of my dad going into drunken rages. The dark and depressing climate, which he carried while sober, was magnified when he was under the influence of a mind-altering substance. I have painful memories of graphic domestic violence because of my dad’s anger and rage. As frightening and traumatic as these explosive outbursts were, they were not an everyday occurrence, nor did he lose emotional control every time he drank. There were plenty of times where I can remember when he’d sit back, have a few beers, and quietly watch his favorite tv shows. In fact, that was the majority of the time. Strangely, these were actually good memories. He was mellow, relaxed, friendly, and engaging. My dad would have a warm glow, and things seemed to be ok.
Despite all the dysfunctional behavior, I do have some good memories of my dad, like taking me to get ice cream or to a fast-food joint for a cheeseburger and fries. Probably, the most vivid and fondest memories that I have is him taking me to the movies. We went to watch ‘Star Wars – Return of the Jedi,’ and another time we went to see ‘Star Trek – The Search for Spock.’ My dad was a big science fiction buff. Some of my happiest moments with him were when he’d sit on the couch and watch shows like Star Trek or Battle Star Galactica. One of his other favorite shows was M*A*S*H, a comedy/drama show set in the Korean War era. Years later, these same shows and movies would end up becoming some of my favorites as well.
I’ll never forget the month that ‘Star Wars – Return of the Jedi’ was released in theaters. A few weeks before the big-screen debut, a three-hour Star Wars special aired on prime-time tv. My dad made a huge deal about it and wanted to make sure he and I watched it together. The night of that Star Wars tv special, my dad had all kinds of snacks and refreshments set up for us. During the commercial breaks, he’d tell me all about the characters and their backstory. I was so excited. It was one of the few moments that I felt like his little buddy. These are really just a few instances, in only a small handful of moments that we would share as father and son. The years, stress, and trauma of my journey, since his passing, have turned these memories into faded fragments from a long-ago dream.
Church wasn’t important to my dad and I think he only went with us a handful of times. On the other hand, my mom used to take me to church every Sunday. In fact, next to the healthy oak tree in the front yard of the trailer, going to church was the only other stabilizing presence and constant; it was an anchor. I looked forward to Sunday school, singing the songs, playing with the other kids, and watching the Sunday School teacher recreate supernatural scenes of a man and woman being deceived by a cunning adversary, a family of eight cloistered in a ship with two of every living animal while the floodwaters raged, a sea split in two as a nation of people cross on dry land, a giant slain by a shepherd boy armed with a sling and stone, a baby sent from Heaven to rescue the world, water turned into wine, thousands fed with a single lunch, blind men healed and made to see, demons cast out and stripped of their dominion, the Son of God crucified as a sacrifice for all humanity, and a Savior defeating death by defying the grave. The teacher took little felt-backed paper cut-outs of people, animals, and buildings, arraigned them on a white flannel board, and recreated these stories of trial, hope, faith, and victory. She taught us that the same God who rescued, saved, healed, and blessed those people is the same God who is with us today.
After living in Maryland for about four years, my parents decided to move back to Rhode Island. We moved out of the trailer and into an old, run-down motel for about a week. It was located a few miles between the Navy base and my grandparent’s house. Although I don’t remember the exact day we moved out of the trailer and into that motel, I clearly remember staying there. It was dismal and depressing. We slept in a second-floor, studio-style room that was dark and dingy. It had a small ‘living room’ with a sofa and a little kitchenette connected to a tiny bedroom. The main ‘living room’ smelled like a stale cocktail of cigarettes, mildew, and vomit. The carpet was a dark shade of bluish-green, and both the walls and ceiling were stained by years of cigarette smoke and bad plumbing.
Towards the end of our stay there, my dad decided to go on ahead of us to Rhode Island. From what I’ve been able to gather, he was probably having us move to Rhode Island to see about getting a job working with his folks, setting up my mom and me with a place to live, and then starting us along on a new life. He left about a day before my mom and me. A day or two later, my mom and I got on a long-distance bus and headed to New York City, where my dad was supposed to meet us. We got to the bus station in the Big Apple; that place was absolutely huge! It seemed like there was an ocean of people and cars everywhere. The smell of engine exhaust clung to the air as the city echoed with car horns, sirens wailing, and people trying to hear themselves talk above the noise. I had never seen such a place in real life, only on tv. “So, this is what a big city is like; it’s really noisy, and kind of has a bad smell,” I thought to myself. My mom told me to keep an eye out for my dad; she said that he’d be wearing some light grey or white pants. I strained and squinted, hoping to catch a glimpse of my dad through the crowd of people. After a few minutes, I saw him come down the escalator and into the bus terminal. He greeted my mom and me, then the three of us headed to the next terminal so we could catch the bus to Rhode Island.
The bus ride was hot, cramped, there wasn’t much to eat, and the bathroom at the back of the bus smelled horrible. As the bus pulled out of the New York city limits, I remember watching and seeing the skyline disappear over the horizon. I sat with my forehead and scruffy red hair pressed against the cold glass window for the next few hours. I stared at the cars driving next to us, occasionally making eye contact and smiling back at either the driver or one of the passengers. Meanwhile, my mom and dad sat next to me and quietly talked, and I could make out bits and pieces of their conversation. The diesel engine’s dull drone mixed with the bus’s gentle rocking caused my eyelids to become heavy. It had been a long day. Eventually, I leaned over and laid across my parent’s lap and fell asleep.
I must have slept a few hours. The next thing I remember is my parents waking me up and telling me that we were at the bus terminal. I didn’t know what a terminal was, but it sounded pretty important. So, we got off the big bus and caught a local state transit bus in Providence, Rhode Island, to Nanny and Papa’s (my dad’s parents) house, which was down in North Kingstown.
When we first got to their house, Nanny offered to make me something to eat. I didn’t have a decent meal in a couple of days, so I was ready to eat them out of house and home. While Nanny went into the kitchen to put some food together for us, Papa and dad talked. I’m not sure what they were discussing, but at some point, my dad walked up and told me that after we ate dinner, we were going to the store. Papa walked up behind my dad, sat down next to me, looking at my dirty clothes and worn-out shoes. The look on his face said he felt sorry for me. I’d been wearing the same outfit for a couple of days, hadn’t had a bath, and the smell coming from my shoes was horrid. I had no socks and was wearing a second-hand pair of baseball cleats, passed down from a neighborhood kid, back when I was still living in Maryland. Summer was drawing to an end; besides the clothes on my back, I didn’t have anything else to wear. School would be starting soon, and I desperately need new clothes and school supplies. During those first several days at Nanny and Papa’s house, I spent a lot of time hanging out with my cousins (who lived across the street) or watching the big tv in my grandparent’s living room. They had cable tv service; I’d never seen so many channels before.
One of the last memories of spending time with my dad is when he took me to the North Kingstown Town Beach, about a week or so after arriving in Rhode Island. It was within walking distance of my grandparent’s house, maybe about two miles away. It was our last bit of time together, just him and I as father and son. As we walked to the beach, something about my dad seemed different; he seemed far away. I’ll never forget one particular moment while we were waiting to cross the street. I looked up at him to ask a question. As he looked down and we made eye contact, I had this feeling that he wasn’t really there. It seemed like he was somewhere else and not at the moment. Years later, I would wonder if he was already pondering the idea of giving up on life. Something about the look in his eyes made it seem like he was far away. It was as if he had allowed the spark of life and hope inside his soul, to slowly extinguish and disappear. It was a look that I would see again about 30 years later, in the eyes of someone else that I love so dearly. My dad and I spent a few hours at the beach. The sun’s rays warmed the salty air and soft powdery sand as the water gently splashed on the shore. While I played and built sandcastles, my dad sat on a bench and watched. For a moment, he seemed relaxed and calm, smiling back at his little boy, almost with a sense of peace and serenity. For a brief moment, everything seemed like it was going to be ok.
A couple of days after my dad and I went to the North Kingstown Town Beach, my dad’s youngest brother took me to Narragansett Beach, one of the most popular beaches in the area. It’s only about 10 minutes away from Wickford, (heck it’s Rhode Island, everything is about 10 minutes away), but it’s much larger. There’s a lot to do and is a huge tourist attraction for folks in and around the southern New England area. After spending the day at the beach with my uncle and a few of my cousins, we all headed back to Nanny and Papa’s house for dinner. My dad asked me how my day was, and I told him I had a good time; that the Narragansett Beach was even better than the one he had taken me to. I’ll never forget that conversation. After I said that, I was worried I hurt his feelings. He quietly nodded, softly smiled, and said, “Good, I’m glad you had a good time, Matty.” As August drew to a close, these would be my dad’s final days on Earth. During the weeks and months following his death, I played that scene over and over in my mind. I remember wondering if the reason that he hurt himself was because of what I said.
Undoubtedly an important day in my life was Monday, April 24th, 1978. That was day one of my life journey – it was the day I was born. The parking lot of South County Hospital was dotted with the last remaining mounds of dirty snow which stood as frosty reminders of the “Blizzard of ’78”, a catastrophic, historic nor’ easter that plummeted and buried the New England area, with hurricane-force winds and almost 30 inches of snow between the morning of February 5th and the evening of February 7th, 1978. My parents were young and had only known each other for a short time. Neither one was prepared or ready to start a family together.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of information regarding my parents’ backgrounds or the details of how they met; I know even less about what their childhoods were like. For the sake of preserving my parent’s and extended family’s privacy, I’ll discuss personal perspectives and thoughts of the experiences from my childhood and life-journey instead. These pages contain crucial and compelling details which, when stitched together, provide a breathtaking and faith-inspiring picture, revealing the Divine Invisible Hand of God. Much of this specific chapter is either from a secondhand account or my own memory as best as I can recall.
In January of 1979, my mom was homesick and missed her parents. She and I took a bus from Rhode Island and traveled to Maryland, where her parents lived; meanwhile, my dad remained in Rhode Island. My mom’s dad worked for the U.S. Navy as an aircraft metalsmith, at the Patuxent River Naval Air Station, or ‘PAX River’ as it’s known locally. I’m not sure what my grandmother did for work. She and my grandfather lived just outside the Navy base in a duplex, located in an old Cold War-era military housing neighborhood nicknamed ‘The Flat Tops’ – squat little pastel-color painted cinderblock buildings with flat sloping tar shingled roofs.
My mom and I stayed with my grandparents in their ‘flat top’ for about a month. During that time, an aunt of mine – one of my mom’s younger sisters – invited my mom to a church close to the PAX River Navy Base. Much of the church leadership and attendees were either civilians who worked on the base or were active-duty military stationed there. During one of the church services, my mom decided to become a Christian. As the pastor and church leadership got to know my mom more, they saw a deep need for mentorship, discipleship, and an overall climate change for my mom and me. Shortly after my mom’s conversion to Christianity, we moved out of my grandparent’s home and in with a family from the church, who lived on post on at the PAX River Naval Base. They were a Navy family and served as leaders in the church my mom and I were attending. The leadership in the church was sympathetic, providing mentorship and guidance for my mom. Eventually, she was ready to go back to Rhode Island and be reunited with my dad – but his priorities were elsewhere.
In the early winter of 1980, my mom and I took a bus from Maryland to Rhode Island, and we moved back in with my dad. We were only there for a few short months, but my mom introduced my dad to a local church pastor in Wakefield, Rhode Island, during that season. One day that pastor came by the house where my mom, dad, and I were staying. My dad and the pastor talked for a while, and towards the end of the conversation, my dad made a decision which sealed the eternal security of his soul – he received Jesus into his heart. Now, to be honest, I doubt my dad understood or was even interested in all the specific doctrinal details of Christianity, but around the time I was five or six years old, I do have very vivid memories of him reading the Bible; every time he did the atmosphere and climate around him seemed to lighten. Later that year, we moved from Rhode Island back down to Maryland. My mom reconnected with the same friends from church while my dad looked for a place where we could live. A short time later, we moved into a mobile home, located in a trailer park called National Trailer Court in Leonardtown, Maryland, situated about five miles outside of the Patuxent River Naval Air Station.
From my earliest childhood memories, I can recall the trailer we lived in was covered in a layer of corrugated tin and painted white. The sun had faded the thin layer of paint; the years of weathering and oxidation left a chalky white residue on my hands whenever I touched the metal sides. In front of the trailer was a massive oak tree. Calloused rough grey bark covered its mighty thick trunk like a tough armor hide, and the wide outstretched branches provided a broad canopy of protection as I played under its umbrella of leaves and acorns. At the base of the giant oak were thick roots that plunged deep underground and anchored the stalwart behemoth as a symbol of safety, stability, dependability, and strength. This was my sanctuary from the heartache and turmoil which filled the climate of my home.
As a little boy, I would spend hours under the cool shade of this tree, creating intricate networks of highways and overland infrastructure made from rocks, acorns, and broken twigs on a patch of bare earth. That patch of dirt was my world where I would make roads for my small pocket-sized cars. I had a whole system for engineering and developing my marvels of overland transportation. I would take my first three fingers and run them along the dusty ground, and as I dragged my hand through the dirt, my chubby little fingers would leave a pattern – three small indentations – which formed the lanes of my superhighway. I loved making roads in the dirt; I spent what seemed like hours out there in the front yard with a dozen or so little cars, trucks, and tractors – I was the master engineer and mayor of my little world, under the shade and watchful care of the mighty oak. I usually played by myself; I was content being alone. I enjoyed the silence of my own world without distraction or disturbance. I took my roads, highways, and little dirt city seriously. As much as I enjoyed the company of other kids, I didn’t like them messing with my carefully crafted miniature metropolis.
Although my world outside under the oak tree was a quiet, peaceful retreat, the world inside the trailer was heavy with sadness, neglect, instability, and loneliness. Inside, it was stark and cold with very little furniture. Cockroaches would hide in the corners, crevasses, and cabinets, waiting for the lights to turn off so they could scurry around and scavenge in the darkness. Standing in the front door and looking into the trailer, you would see faux wood paneling walls and cheap wood-floor pattern vinyl linoleum covering the floor. There was a plaid patterned couch in the living room made of some kind of rough bluish brown polyester material that felt like a burlap sack. In front of the couch sat the only luxury we had – a color tv. To the right of the living room was a single step leading up into the kitchen and dining room, which had a small round wooden table surrounded by four little chairs. It was at this table that I remember seeing my dad read the Bible; he’d sit there for hours with an air of solidarity, wonder, intrigue, and vulnerability.
Turning around from the dining room and kitchen and walking back into the living room was a hallway leading down to the back of the trailer. It was poorly lit, and the dark wood paneling seemed to soak up every speck of ambient light from the living room. Walking towards the back of the trailer, on the right, were two bedrooms that flanked a small bathroom in the middle. One of those rooms was mine. It was cold, unwelcoming, and bare except for one tiny closet and a spartan bed. Every night, before I went to sleep, my parents would shake out the covers as a dozen or so roaches ran out from under their linen hideaway. The bedroom on the other side of the bathroom was little more than an oversized closet with just enough space for a small twin-sized mattress. Then at the very back of the trailer was my parent’s room. A few feet in front of their room was the back door, which I don’t think we ever used.
Everything about the trailer was cheap, decrepit, and on the verge of falling apart. The turn handles used to crank open the windows were either missing or had the threads stripped. The sliding doors, which closed off the bedrooms and bathroom, would always come off their tracks and could only be locked with a little’ hook and eye’ latch. In the bathroom, the toilet rocked back and forth while the vinyl flooring bubbled and detached from the water-damaged particle board subflooring below.
Food was scarce; I can recall many times when my parents had to reach out to either a community charity service or a local church so we would have enough food to eat. As far as what my dad did for work, I’m not too sure. From some of the secondhand accounts I’ve heard, he held a few jobs at various times; once as a maintenance man for an apartment complex and another time, he worked as a construction laborer. My dad would often take off and leave my mom and me – often for days on end with neither of us knowing where he went or what he was doing.
I hated it when my dad left like that and would always get scared that each time would be the last time would see him. Even though I was little and didn’t have language for many of my emotions at the time, now that I look back, I used to wonder if he loved us – I used to wonder if he loved me, his son. It made me angry to see him take off, and I dreaded having to deal with the consequences of my mom’s emotional meltdowns, which were sure to follow afterward.